An Iguana Gave Me Cancer

In the absence of conflict, we create one.

It sounds deep, sure. But imagine how stupid we must be.

In the ABSENCE of something that annoys, hurts or offends us. Our minds CREATES something Emotional, Physical, or Mental to change that.

That is the equivalent of a zebra roaming around freely in the open safari reserve, safe from predators, happy and full bellied. And then that zebra looks over at the lion section, rolls up its sleeves and goes: “safe and free am I? we’ll just have to see about that…” then galloping over the safety barrier, punching the lion in the mouth, stare him in the eyes and say “How’d you like THAT, asshole?”

You see, the Zebra doesn’t do that because if it did, there would be no more zebras left.

It could be out of boredom or it could be how nature made us - always uncomfortable, never satisfied.

Evolutionary psychology is a fascinating field. Do we really only love our kids and donate to charity because our ancestors evolved to do it so they wouldn’t die? Or are we more than that?

But our ancestors were never void of conflict. They were chased by predators, died from the common cold at age 12, froze to death every winter, starved if they couldn’t hunt or gather, and probably bullied the guy who invented the wheel by calling him an idiot. They never needed to create conflict – it was biting them in the ass all the time.

So, if we didn’t evolve to create physical conflict, did we evolve to create a mental one?

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma cancer. And when I was about 6, I was diagnosed with a severe problem with Authority. But back to the cancer, what I remember is my doctor asking me this strange question: “Do you have a pet Iguana?”. My dad and I looked at each other.

I said: “Yes, I do have a pet Iguana. Why do you ask?”

She said: We have unsubstantiated research suggesting eastern European descendants with above average intelligence who raise a pet Iguana are prone to developing cancer.

Well fuck me sideways. I could have gone home and blamed that Iguana for all its done to me. But I didn’t and I think that’s turned out quite ok for me because here is what I think happened. That Iguana was innocent.

I think some smart kids know how fucked up the world is. Even before they REALLY know it. And their body just goes “you know what buddy? I’m gonna go ahead and kill both of us right now”. And why at 16 for me? Because 2 years later I was supposed to go to the army where I would CONSTANTLY be under authoritarian rules and I think my brain just could not bear the thought of that happening. So, in the absence of real trauma, my body created one to save me from a fate – which it rightfully perceived – was worse than death.

Was it an evolutionary psycho-biological response to prevent my mind from future collapse?

Only the Iguana knows.